~Song Playing - "To Everything There's a Season" - Tamela Mann~
I made it through the second month of this new year and if you're reading this, so did you. How was this month for you? For me, this was a slightly trying month for me. I went through a bout of depression that was quite a "growing" experience for me. I also became very overwhelmed with my "to do" list. But looking back, I know why.
Looking back over this month, I've learned that there are some things that are just necessary. No matter how you cut it, they're still going to have the same level of importance. Get used to it.
I realize more than ever that I need to limit how much time I spend talking to and dwelling with slack people. My reasoning is that being around these type individuals, remind me of my own slackness and areas for improvement and I'll never get to the next level if there is no foundation for my anchor, nor reinforcement to help keep it deeply rooted. This train is northern bound.
In conjunction with my last point, I need to put forth a more profound effort to stop my own slackness. Procrastination and laziness is a killer of my vision and purpose. My focus needs to be redirected.
I feel myself entering a season of simplicity. I'm all for the "simple things" at this period of my life.
With dating, sometimes we tell others or we tell ourselves that maybe we should try something different for a change and sometimes it's a good thing. However, it's important to remember that the packaging has nothing to do with the contents. Same script, different cast.
After some modifications, I reinforce my standards of what I want/need in another individual. That is a lot more than ever before and more than the "street standard". Oh, I'm asking for too much? Guess what? I don't have to accept less. Remember that. I don't play myself small and neither will the next one.
It is profoundly true that it takes less energy to be nice and kind than it does to walk around all day everyday, hot off the wire. It's not that serious.
I'm falling in love with The Jefferson's again.
I'm entering a new phase in my life beginning next month. There's a new demand being placed on me to step into some uncharted territory. I nervously accept the challenge. What will this new month bring? What will I learn? How will I grow? Who will I help? Who will I inspire?
We'll see...
I leave with these words from the song "To Everything There's a Season". I type this in reverence of this past month and also where I have yet to go.
"For every tear you cry, there is a reason why. It will make you wise someday. For every mountain high, every valley low. It will all help you to grow."
Let's jump into this new month with a spring of hope and faith for a landing of promise! Go...
I'm hungry. It sure would be nice to go to a country kitchen and eat to my heart's content....but my stomach is speaking otherwise like, "I wish you would jigga!" Eh..
Why do I have all of these magazines and books that I haven't finished or even started reading yet? uggh!
My new bedding feels so intoxicating! I see how people get caught up into the whole thread count bit. I can't wait to move up to 1,000!
I'm in a spending mood. I'd love to go on a major shopping spree. Speaking of shopping, I'm still wondering about my attraction to jeans and the color black.
Dang! I didn't win that $270 million last night. I already had that money broken up, organized and spent!
Why do people think that just because they spontaneously visit your city, that you are to drop everything and play tour guide? Are they serious?
Oh! Janet's cd comes out Tuesday! Although she sent me an early VIP copy (clears throat), I look forward to picking up a store copy and giving my official review! It's going to be a fabulous summer with this cd.
Speaking of summer, am I ready for it? I think so.
You ever hear those songs that bring out a gyration in you that only a strip club could appreciate? I'm just asking...
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how it would feel to be in a broadway play/musical. I think if I had the clear opportunity to audition, I would. The sky is the limit right?
Today is going to be a great Saturday.
Oh, remember my "gyration" comment? Here's a video example. Have at it...lol
I woke up this morning......and decided that I want to be free. Once and for all. I woke up and decided that all of what's in my mind, all of what's in my heart... All that I have been negatively harboring....it ends today. All of the poisonous people that I've held on to and that have held on to me...I release today. All that has been and will forever be......I let it be today. Today is the day I take me back. Excuse me, if I can't be all that you may need me to be anymore. I apologize, if I'm no longer the person you thought I was. I've declared that those lingering clouds in my heart, mind.....in my life.. They NOW have to move. Along with it goes any and everything that's toxically draining to my system...dead-end relationships, dead-end conversations, crazy demands, selfishness...dumped baggage....all on me? Oh no! You see, it's time for me to be free. I woke up this morning and decided, today was the day. No more. It all ends today. The devil and his demons just lost one.
Today is my "Liberation Wednesday". The day I got free.
I wanted to post a collection of words that I absolutely love and has stirred my heartbeat of hope today. Powerful!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
This blog has become very therapeutic for me. Although all my posts have not been the most exciting and joyous, it feels good to know that outside of family and friends, I have some place where I can huff and puff and vent (no matter how dense or far fetched). Another great thing is that someone, just maybe someone will read any of this and be able to comment and say..."Yes...I understand...I've been there...I am there...You're not the only one...thanks for posting this.."
This isn't to be a long post. I just wanted to post something that is in reflection of how I feel at the very moment. Eh..if I get 10 comments? Great! If I get 0? Awesome! Either way, I'm setting myself free.
For the past couple days I've been a bit despondent. I cannot pin-point a specific circumstance that brought me to this. I woke up in this state. It's hard for me to even pull my thoughts together as I type. To wrap this up, I was browsing Youtube and ran across a song that I love so much and used to play constantly.
What I know for sure at this moment is to be still. As I inch closer to my destiny, I realize that I need to hear a word...in all areas of my life...family, friends, relationships, school... so in humbleness and with expectancy I say...if I can hear from you, then I'll know what to do!
Today is Valentine's Day and I want to wish each of you a very happy day filled with loved. Although I am single and have no valentine, I still wanted to make a post dedicated to myself and my own vision of love.
Below I have compiled videos with songs that I feel are direct manifestations of my vision of love and songs that fill me with promise and warmth. I enjoy listening to them and living in them whenever they are heard because I know that one day when I open my mouth to sing one of these songs, it'll be because love is my reality. I cannot listen to one of these songs without smiling and I know that I'll never be able to sing one without smiling. So........here's to you GI....my valentine....the constant love of my life. Hold on to the vision......for you......for me.....for us.....the vision of love.
I woke up this morning feeling very introverted and a bit weary. It's funny because the same source that makes me weary is also the fuel for me to keep pressing forward. I woke up in the realization that no matter the obstacle, I've gotta keep pressing on for the sake of my own survival. I have work to do. I have a destiny to fufill. It's time to get back on my grind. I don't have the right to give up or give in. In the words of MJB, "I don't know, only God knows where the story ends for me but I know where the story begins. It's up to us to choose whether we win or lose and I choose to win...."
I feel that....I believe that. Although tested and tried with seemingly never-ending tasks...I'll press.
I end with a video that I believe is every survior's theme song.....keep pressing!
I am a man, yes, but I am not ashamed to say that I have had and have the Joan Clayton Syndrome. Whoever created this character had to have known me in some shape or form because my likeness to the character is unreal. The only difference is that it is in a male fashion. Or is it?
Why do I feel like sex or even being sexual with someone new, too soon, is like the ultimate sabotage of a potential relationship? Why have I willingly "given in" knowing this? Was it to purposely sabotage the situation? I take love and relationships very seriously and I'm always open to meeting the right one. I mean, aren't we all? Ok...so there's a situation...I met someone new.
Whenever I meet someone new who has the potential to be a lover, it is always a big thing for me because it doesn't happen often and when it does happen, it seldom lasts long. I get all excited and chatty and I want to share the experience with everyone. Like Joan, upon the first few moments, I'm already picturing us on vacations in the French Riviera, Sundays in the park, road trips to the mountains in the fall, outside dining on Saturdays, grilling on our patio sitting across from each other while sharing the newspaper, the rings....uh, yeah you get the point. Ok GI, stop rambling....what happened?
Ok, so I won't talk in code on this one because that's too much work and I'm trying to get a point across so what the heck ever! So....I met this cute guy recently in a nightclub. To look at him and observe his swagger and dress, he screams hoodboy/soldier which is not always a bad thing if it's not excessive and it's also very different for me. I'm used to only secretly admiring that type from afar. So he approaches and his opening line is, "Where is your lover?" Ok, that's not neccesarily a bad opener considering where we were. So convo continues and it turns out that he has a really nice personality. He made it clear to me that he wasn't expecting me to be as receptive as I was to him. Umm..ok. I then noticed that he seemed to be in a hurry to let it be known that he did have good things going for himself. He also made quite a few comments in regards to my looks. Hmm...thanks. Turns out, he's a professional Mon. - Fri. and a hoodboy/soldier on the weekends. That can be sexy. So.....our convo continued over the phone while we were both on our ways going home. He then made another comment that made me raise an eyebrow when he said "I was standing with my friend, debating if I should come up and say something to you because I thought that you wouldn't give me the time of day because of the way I was dressed." Hmm...ok. That was flattering but made me feel a little awkward because I'm really a nice person and I try to be cordial no matter what but nevertheless I felt like my persona is sending the right message that I'm not just anybody nor do I deal with just anybody. Period. But could that pose a potential problem in the future because of possible insecurities? Good question.
So...long story short, I agreed to do something that I normally don't do. I agreed to let him come over to see me. I felt like he was/is a nice enough person that I'd enjoy the company and it would give us some time to talk and begin to get to know each other. Being that the Grammy's were on, the talking was limited but we did talk some...eh. So what's the big deal GI?
LOL, no. I didn't sleep with him BUT one thing led to another and we did become sexual. A little more sexual than I had intended or wanted. Ok, so afterwards I'm beginning to feel regretful from what just took place because I know the sabotage that comes with this territory. I also know how guys can be after they feel like they've conquered and/or closed in on the chase. I'm pissed at myself because I now feel like I've been had or like I yielded to something that I know I'm so much more than. So you say that I'm looking at it the wrong way? Well...during the times when we were talking, there was constant mentioning of my looks and my being. Flattery is a wonderful thing but when it becomes excessive, it makes me uncomfortable. I'll even own up to the part that I played in this situation....heck, when he took off his shirt and all I saw were muscles and tats, I almost fainted. So I won't overlook the role that I played but he seemed a bit distant afterwards. He could be different but one thing that can never be denied is energy. We all have the ability to receive it and I felt an energy that said.."You're just the pretty boy toy I need to satisfy my physical desires." Did I mention that he's never dated a guy? Only females? And also, did I mention that he stated he'd never admit his sexuality to his family? So basically...DL for life huh? Oh, come on GI, you've been down that road before.
So I sent him a txt last night stating that I enjoyed his visit and hoped that it wouldn't be the last time and he responded "It won't be man.." He called when he got home and simply said.."I made it. Alright have a good night..talk to you soon.." Wow...ok. That's not bad right? I sent him a txt today stating that I was just thinking about him and that I hoped his day was well, he responded with a simple "Yes..". Hmm...lol...ok.
I know that whoever reads this may think that I'm overreacting or just needy or whatever the case may be but this is me and the way I operate... in true Joan Clayton fashion. lol I guess past situations play a big part in who and how I choose to allow people to come into my life. I've never taken love and relationships casually because I feel like my definition and vision of love is very profound and uniquely TOO good to be wasted.
Although this is still a developing situation, it makes me question the whole dating thing because truly it's a lot of work. I get so worn out sometimes from meeting new people and having to go through the whole "get to know you" process and convo and blah..blah..blah. It feels redundant to me after awhile. I'll probably always keep hope alive as it is relative to love but sometimes I wonder to myself, "What if it's not for you?" I mean, none of us know how the story ends but it is a valid and warranted thought. Sometimes I say that if it's not in the cards for me, once I'm done with my education, I'll pride myself on my faith, my law degree and all my accomplishments and work hard to live single and fabulously.....have my three children with a surrogate, the dog and focus on putting all into them...spending our summers in between the Atlanta estate and our beachfront St. Thomas bungalow. Yeah...
I end this post with a song that's a direct reflection of me.
Why does it seem to be discord between Obama supporters and Clinton supporters? *NEWS FLASH* We are not OUR opposition. The Republicans are. It's beginning to work on my last nerve. Go sit down somewhere.....and don't forget to vote! Love ya!
I need a mani/pedi. I keep taking glances at my feet and the last time almost scared me half to death! Stab!
Do you ever get the feeling that certain people only call you when all of their other friends are busy? Doesn't it make you feel like a last option? Oh, you wonder why I make you eat voicemail these days huh? I don't play that ish!
I'm hungry....why have I been craving big meals lately?
I think I wanna go see Martin Lawrence's new movie, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins. I've got a feeling that's gonna be hilarious!
Do you believe in the law of attraction? People are beginning to talk about it again. I tried it once. eh...should I try it again?
Ok, that new Nivea commerical that has Chrisette Michele's song "Love is You" playing makes me feel some kinda way! Ummmmm....
Why do we keep people on our IM buddy lists that we don't talk to anymore? In particular, why do we keep Ex's on? Is it nosiness? I mean...at least we think we know where they are when they're logged in. Beats me...
Sometimes I want a puppy. I've already got the names picked out. He'll be called "Peanut". Of course, it'll be something under 10lbs. However, I think that if I got a female, I'd name her "Gracious". Don't ask me where this came from....but I'm keeping the names!
Did I mention that I was hungry?
I'll be glad when Faith Evans releases some new material. She's been gone for too long and I'm getting worn out with these folks that have been out every year since '03. Uggh! Go sit down somewhere!
I need to be up in church on Sunday. My storage is empty.
The '70s, '80s and early '90s were the best eras in music. Don't you agree?
Here's a video/song that I'm really feeling tonight:
Enjoy..
Whitney Houston - Waiting to Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)
I just read a posting in a blog, Mr./Ms. Do Right, that made me flip to love and relationships. I wasn't gonna go there because I'm trying to lighten my blog up a bit but hey...this is me.
Just as I finished reading that particular posting, Heather's song "In My Mind" came through shuffle. Many of us know how it feels to be in love with someone and to lose that love. The question that's plaguing me though is, what do you do when your heart won't quite let them go?
"Imagine seeing him on the town, holding another hand.."
It's easy to throw on Chrisette's "Be Ok" and tell yourself that but what do you do when you feel yourself asking YOU, "Are you really gonna be ok?"
"They say if you love something, you've got to let it go and if it comes back then it means so much more....but if it never does, at least you will know that it was something you had to go through to grow..."
Do you ever think about that person and still see a perfect picture that was never completed? Why is that? How is it possible that something that felt so right turned out to be so wrong?
Yes...we accept that it didn't work and sit back and wait for love but....
But what do you do in the meantime....when that certain song comes through shuffle that played during your first encounter.....you pass the restaurant where you had your first date....you remember the way you looked at each other and smiled.....you find yourself sitting in the same spot on the couch where you last cuddled.....you look over at that pillow where a head used to lay.......you pass that name in your cell phone....you look down one day and realize that the sweater you're wearing is the same one you wore the last time you were together.....
"You're in my soul, baby you should know...you're in my thoughts...you're in my prayers...."
Ok, here I am back to my favorite post of the month. My wish list! Can you say......yay........? Anyway....check out what made my list this month. Fun!
First on the list is......drum roll please..........
Play Station 3 Retail Price $399-$499
Yes, yes...I love this machine! This is home entertainment at its finest! The only downfall to having such an item is if you're an individual who has things that you HAVE to do. Whew! This could be a deadly distraction!
Next on the list...
Juicy Couture Velour Raglan Jacket with Piping and Juicy Couture Velour Track Pants Retail Prices: Jacket $158 Pants $128
I mean what can I say about this? Sexy,comfortable and relatively affordable. I have a feeling that these are going to be two of my most desired items on the list this month.
Ok..next
Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits by T.D. Jakes Retail Price: $24.00
This piece of literature is a must for everyone's library. It is so refreshing and inspirational and gives very practical idealistic views of how to really take responsibility for your life and gain power. After all, that is the huge obstacle that hinders most of us....not being able to reposition ourselves to live life from a different shelf and gain some power.
Moving on.... MICHAEL Michael Kors Men's Hinged Crocodile Band Watch Retail Price: $125.00
Ok...yes....YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS! I'm through!
Finally on this list.....is.....
Janet's new album Discipline Release date: February 26th
This cd is already bought in the spirit. As a matter of fact, the concert tickets are bought too! I've gotta have it!
