Joan Clayton Syndrome

I am a man, yes, but I am not ashamed to say that I have had and have the Joan Clayton Syndrome. Whoever created this character had to have known me in some shape or form because my likeness to the character is unreal. The only difference is that it is in a male fashion. Or is it?


Why do I feel like sex or even being sexual with someone new, too soon, is like the ultimate sabotage of a potential relationship? Why have I willingly "given in" knowing this? Was it to purposely sabotage the situation? I take love and relationships very seriously and I'm always open to meeting the right one. I mean, aren't we all? Ok...so there's a situation...I met someone new.

Whenever I meet someone new who has the potential to be a lover, it is always a big thing for me because it doesn't happen often and when it does happen, it seldom lasts long. I get all excited and chatty and I want to share the experience with everyone. Like Joan, upon the first few moments, I'm already picturing us on vacations in the French Riviera, Sundays in the park, road trips to the mountains in the fall, outside dining on Saturdays, grilling on our patio sitting across from each other while sharing the newspaper, the rings....uh, yeah you get the point. Ok GI, stop rambling....what happened?

Ok, so I won't talk in code on this one because that's too much work and I'm trying to get a point across so what the heck ever! So....I met this cute guy recently in a nightclub. To look at him and observe his swagger and dress, he screams hoodboy/soldier which is not always a bad thing if it's not excessive and it's also very different for me. I'm used to only secretly admiring that type from afar. So he approaches and his opening line is, "Where is your lover?" Ok, that's not neccesarily a bad opener considering where we were. So convo continues and it turns out that he has a really nice personality. He made it clear to me that he wasn't expecting me to be as receptive as I was to him. Umm..ok. I then noticed that he seemed to be in a hurry to let it be known that he did have good things going for himself. He also made quite a few comments in regards to my looks. Hmm...thanks. Turns out, he's a professional Mon. - Fri. and a hoodboy/soldier on the weekends. That can be sexy. So.....our convo continued over the phone while we were both on our ways going home. He then made another comment that made me raise an eyebrow when he said "I was standing with my friend, debating if I should come up and say something to you because I thought that you wouldn't give me the time of day because of the way I was dressed." Hmm...ok. That was flattering but made me feel a little awkward because I'm really a nice person and I try to be cordial no matter what but nevertheless I felt like my persona is sending the right message that I'm not just anybody nor do I deal with just anybody. Period. But could that pose a potential problem in the future because of possible insecurities? Good question.

So...long story short, I agreed to do something that I normally don't do. I agreed to let him come over to see me. I felt like he was/is a nice enough person that I'd enjoy the company and it would give us some time to talk and begin to get to know each other. Being that the Grammy's were on, the talking was limited but we did talk some...eh. So what's the big deal GI?

LOL, no. I didn't sleep with him BUT one thing led to another and we did become sexual. A little more sexual than I had intended or wanted. Ok, so afterwards I'm beginning to feel regretful from what just took place because I know the sabotage that comes with this territory. I also know how guys can be after they feel like they've conquered and/or closed in on the chase. I'm pissed at myself because I now feel like I've been had or like I yielded to something that I know I'm so much more than. So you say that I'm looking at it the wrong way? Well...during the times when we were talking, there was constant mentioning of my looks and my being. Flattery is a wonderful thing but when it becomes excessive, it makes me uncomfortable. I'll even own up to the part that I played in this situation....heck, when he took off his shirt and all I saw were muscles and tats, I almost fainted. So I won't overlook the role that I played but he seemed a bit distant afterwards. He could be different but one thing that can never be denied is energy. We all have the ability to receive it and I felt an energy that said.."You're just the pretty boy toy I need to satisfy my physical desires." Did I mention that he's never dated a guy? Only females? And also, did I mention that he stated he'd never admit his sexuality to his family? So basically...DL for life huh? Oh, come on GI, you've been down that road before.

So I sent him a txt last night stating that I enjoyed his visit and hoped that it wouldn't be the last time and he responded "It won't be man.." He called when he got home and simply said.."I made it. Alright have a good night..talk to you soon.." Wow...ok. That's not bad right? I sent him a txt today stating that I was just thinking about him and that I hoped his day was well, he responded with a simple "Yes..". Hmm...lol...ok.

I know that whoever reads this may think that I'm overreacting or just needy or whatever the case may be but this is me and the way I operate... in true Joan Clayton fashion. lol I guess past situations play a big part in who and how I choose to allow people to come into my life. I've never taken love and relationships casually because I feel like my definition and vision of love is very profound and uniquely TOO good to be wasted.

Although this is still a developing situation, it makes me question the whole dating thing because truly it's a lot of work. I get so worn out sometimes from meeting new people and having to go through the whole "get to know you" process and convo and blah..blah..blah. It feels redundant to me after awhile. I'll probably always keep hope alive as it is relative to love but sometimes I wonder to myself, "What if it's not for you?" I mean, none of us know how the story ends but it is a valid and warranted thought. Sometimes I say that if it's not in the cards for me, once I'm done with my education, I'll pride myself on my faith, my law degree and all my accomplishments and work hard to live single and fabulously.....have my three children with a surrogate, the dog and focus on putting all into them...spending our summers in between the Atlanta estate and our beachfront St. Thomas bungalow. Yeah...




I end this post with a song that's a direct reflection of me.




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