But There's One Thing About It...

This is from the heart..

You know, I believe that it is a beautiful thing when you can be your authentic self. I mean really and truly be who you are....and then dare to be happy with it. I'm sitting here at my desk and I feel so full. I'm full because I can feel breakthroughs happening on the inside and can feel prayers being answered. All within me. It's amazing how God will align a song, a word, a story or a person at an appointed time and cause an overflow of epiphanic occurrences.

I've been looking at different videos of Fantasia singing the following song constantly over the past couple days:

"I'm Here"



Then....it became all clear to me. It's all so pristine clear to me. I began to go into my own interpretation of this song. I suddenly can apply almost every part of this song to my own life. I've been saying to friends constantly how I could feel a spirit of "simplicity" this year. Simplicity. I didn't realize how prophetic that word was and is to become for my life hence forth.

I can feel changes happening within myself.

Last night I was sitting and looking back over my short life. The things that I've done, good and bad. I thought about my naive days when I truly had "my foot on the gas and hands in the air". I thought about all of the ups...those mighty peaks and those downs.....the times when I ached and cried and believed with everything within me that I wouldn't make it. Hmph...

As I listen to Fantasia sing..

"I don't need you to love me...I don't need you to love..."

My mind goes to all of my failed attempts at dating...oh I was so in love. All I wanted was for someone to love me.

"I've got my sister, I can't feel her now, she may not be here...but she still mine and I know she still love me..."

I think about my brother and how for so long we were not very close and even now how it feels like I'm an only child. I think about how I wish he'd call sometimes and show genuine interest but then the spirit of simplicity tells me, "He may not be here, you may not feel him. he may not call but he's still yours and you know that he still loves you." And I still love him...

"Got my house, it still keep the cold out. Got my chair when my body can't hold out. Got my hands doing good like they're supposed to, showing my heart to the folks that I'm close to..."

"Got my eyes, though they don't see as far now. They see more bout how things really are now......"

My God, my eyes...."they see more bout how things really are now.."

I sit here and think about how blessed I am. I'm not among the most blessed but still don't and won't fall short of the exceeding and abundant markers. No, things don't always go well and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I cry about this, cry about that, cry because I miss him, cry because he didn't want me, cry because they used to tease me, cry because I have to do this and do that only to have to do more and go through more. But hey....I'm seeing things much clearer now....somehow I'm alright. No need for you to have to explain why it happened. You don't even have to sugar-coat it to make me feel better. You know why? Because I've got my eyes and although they don't see as far now(lenscrafters lol), they see more bout how things really are now. Hmm..I think I'll delete some numbers out of my phone now...it is what it is.

So what do you do with all of this tragedy, hurt, pain, uselessness, confusion....how do you turn it all around? You know what I'm going to do? (I now feel chills and eyes water as I prepare to hit the return key and type)

"I'm gonna...take a deep breath. I'm gonna hold my head up. I'm gonna put my shoulders back and look you straight in the eyes. I'm gonna flirt with somebody when they walk by. I'm gonna sing out..."

Yes. I sit here and allow the transformation and growth to take place within my body and life right now. I've been living with my gear in "neutral" long enough. It it what it is, I'm gonna let this happiness flow.

"I believe I have inside of me everything that I need to live a bountiful life. With all the love alive in me, I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree."

I can see now.......it's all already right here in me. It's been here all the time. I feel like I have 1,000 wings....I'll close my eyes and bask in the gentleness of this God-granted soar through the clouds...time for a higher elevation.

"And I'm thankful for each day that I'm given....both the easy and hard ones I'm living.."

I'm thankful for the headaches..even on the days when my Alieve is no where to be found. Even on my lonely days when no one can be found and it's just me riding along in the car. It is what it is and I'm thankful.

"But most of all, I'm thankful for.......loving who I really am.."

I'm so thankful to be who I am right now. That person who can be so talkative and funny....mean and yet so sensitive. That same person who was not appreciated nor valued at times....talked about and discouraged. That same boy who was taunted and teased. That person who I almost hated, called dumb, ugly, useless, awkward..that same person.....YES I'm thankful for loving who I really am.

"I'm beautiful.." - In everyway imaginable.

What can I say? I may be judged and put down. There's still gonna be those days when I don't feel like going. I'm single and may forever be single. There will be the times when I lose that good friend or when he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore and walks out. Love ones may pass on. The tears will come....the goodness and good things that I long for will come...or..they may never come...

But there's one thing about it, I'm hopeful and I'm here..