So, my mom was here with me all this past week on her vacation. She rested, we shopped, got in some good dining, she got her day at the spa. She enjoyed it all. I'm glad she did. We also talked some this week and found out we had even more in common than the obvious. We actually talked about love, as it is relative to me. For the first time, I got really honest with her and just had to put it out there that I am "hoping" for it. She understood.
Since the week ended and I got the house back to myself, I started thinking about how easy it has become for me to be honest about my feelings. I'm used to sugar coating my emotions so that they aren't easily visible to "everybody" but I've discovered a certain freedom with just saying how it is.
How is it, you might ask? Well, borrowing from the words of Anita, "never have I felt the need to be this close". I have been experiencing the overwhelmingly profound urge for love in my life. The feeling itself, I compare to Lauryn's account as being "addicted to love like the drug of a fiend"...like a myopic trance. It is just that intense. I go through mood swings, I get filled with anxiety and I sometimes feel like I'm being bound...like something on the inside is dying, screaming, crying..."let me out!".....it's true.
This period of my life has also forced me to face my sincerity towards others as well. It "seems" like almost all of my friends either have someone or has a potential. I can't sit here and say that I am not genuinely happy for each of them because I think that being in love is a beautiful thing. However, I'm beginning to ask myself, "How many times can you be the cheerleader in other people's relationships?" I ask myself, how many more times can I say, "I'm happy for you!" and continue to mean it? I think to myself that I'm entering my mid-twenties and have never been in a serious relationship. Last summer, one of my high-school classmates married the guy that she started dating when we were in the 9th grade. I remember when she was head over heels for this guy at 14, 15. Wow. She found it early. Then, looking at myself in the mirror...I ask the question, "What about me?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "Don't worry, it's coming", I PROMISE I could have had that $500k townhouse in Buckhead that I wanted WITH the S550. What makes it worst is that most of the people who use this phrase as a method of "soothing" me, have significant others in their lives. Yes, you may understand my position and what I'm feeling but you have no idea of how I'm feeling because your reality is completely different at this point.
What about mine? When is mine coming? Yes...the well wishes are appreciated but what am I to do in the meantime? In the meantime while you're celebrating special occasions and holidays with you and yours, on any given night...knowing that you're loved. Knowing...that you are a part of a team...
This is the most free I've been about my emotions. Wow. But this is my blog.
It's time for me...it's been too long.....I can feel it.
"Love is sweet and so divine and I can't wait for my love light to shine..." - Luther V.
I just asked myself, "What are you about to do with this blog?" but oh well! This is the reality of me and so many others. This one is for the team.
*The songs in the playlist, "In My Songs" and "Any Love"*
3 comments:
I had this intense feeling like the middle of last month. I wrote about it. I'm still a little concerned, but the intensity has decreased
I can't say it will come because it may not. I would like to be optimistic in saying that things will align in the right time for you though.
You speak as if you are waiting for love to come and slap you in the face! You gotta go and find it. Keep in mind that there are many different types of love! Make sure you have found the right one when you do find love!
I think that it all comes it time... I think that it's our job to be present... Yes, love and relationships are important, but we don't won't to allow our desire fot it to weigh us down...
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