Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Do You Know?

So it seems that these days, I'm only inspired to blog when I'm really happy or when I'm on the low side. There's rarely a motivation to do so when I'm in that space in between. Just an observation...

I had an epiphanic moment tonight that was such a goose bump type of self awareness. Another "Aha!" moment. I was talking to a friend about how amazing intuition is. That gut feeling that speaks to us, offering the answer, before you even raise the question. What makes it such a big deal is that for the first time in my life, I was able to recognize what it was. It came in a form that reminded me of a situation that left a bad taste in mouth, which has lingered for over two years. Another thing about how my intuition spoke to me tonight is that it used almost the same exact message it was using two years ago, but I ignored it. I thought that "gut" feeling was just the nervousness, negativity or fear in me trying to sabotage a situation. Tonight....I got it. I've gotta be honest though because it hurts. It feels like an old wound has been opened because I'm saying to myself now that there's something not working. There's something in there that just doesn't last long and I'm caught up in the middle of it. Of course, it always goes that the ones you don't want are the ones trying to fight to hang in there and the ones you want are fighting to get out of there. But...in the very rare occasion that I meet someone in a setting where our connection is on a mutual level, what is it in there that holds up the process? Then it has taken me to a place tonight to really examine who I am and the type of person that I am and I ask the question of "What if?". Yes....what if my life's story doesn't include a romantic relationship? I often say that it's going to take a very strong individual to be with a man like me, but just what if? What if my life's work has a broader and more selfless purpose? I mean, the questions are valid. The same way that some aren't able to have their own children, which opens the door for the children of others to be loved.

This is a mighty big pill to swallow coming off of Valentine's day weekend. It's amazing that we hear so many people with their own take on how you should look at it, how you should think about it or how it's going to be, but I believe that only I can call it as it is relative to me. However, in the midst of this ongoing mental/emotional storm, I am thankful for being able to recognize that inner voice of intuition. Yes...just being able to recognize it is a gift in itself. However, the unsettled dust of loose emotions and wild hurts still run unbridled through the corridors of my mind on to the abyss of my heart's strings. That place...deep inside. This rocks my core.

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Monday, February 9, 2009


Today was one of those days when I felt really restless. I got so caught up that it almost felt like I couldn't breath. This feeling stemmed from my hunger for change. You know, like you're so hungry for change, but because it's not here yet, you feel like you're being suffocated in the present circumstances. In so many ways, I realize how I'm changing as an individual. I remember when I used to pray to God all the time to enlarge my territory and literally as I prayed that prayer it was happening all around me, but in the particular realm that was best for the time. Over time, my territory has been automatically enlarged, but now I feel like I've hit a "dormant" season, so to speak. I feel like the enlargement has been held up momentarily and in this slowed phased, I've actually outgrown my own territory. To add to this hunger for change is this great sense of urgency like it has to happen soon or else. I guess that explains the suffocation that I feel, which is another a part of the anxiety within it all. The change for me is all about being elevated. I'm not talking about being elevated to the next level or even the next realm. I'm talking being elevated to the next dimension. The things that once worked, no longer do. The things that once were "okay" to me are no longer acceptable. Everyday I steadily grow increasingly despising of all of the elements that perpetuate this whole "business as usual" way of being and living, even the elements within me.

So all of this was riled up in me today and then I was watching The View from this morning that I DVR'D. There was a segment with Diane Sawyer about a special that is scheduled to air on Friday about families living in a particular region on Kentucky. These are poor families. These families, from what I gather, are living in a poverty stricken area that has basically sealed them in isolation, not by roads but by mentality and spirit. Although I have yet to see the special in its entirety, I was immediately reminded of my hometown back in SC. As a matter of fact, I was just told today that my hometown has the highest unemployment rate in the state of South Carolina and as far as I could remember, it has always been this way and I grew up in that. Wow. Then I saw from the clip shown how this one little girl lived in a dwelling with 12 others and how to quench the baby's thirst, Pepsi was poured into his sippy cup. The first song that came to mind for me was "Still Good Anyhow". I immediately went to iTunes to download this song and I've had it on repeat and it's still on repeat right now as I make this entry.

There's not a whole lot that I can even say after seeing that clip and hearing this song, but....You're still good anyhow. Although this feeling of overwhelming gratitude doesn't erase my hunger, it does have a soothing effect. I'm reminded that even in my situation as it stands, with all of these things that I feel are weighing me down, he's still good anyhow. It's not easy to be in the position of great need and waiting, whether it be a tangible or intangible request and be able to say to God, "You're still good anyhow...even If I don't get an answer or the blessing....you're still good and I thank you."

So with all of this said, the way I feel hasn't gone away, but a very bitter-sweet element has been thrown into the mix. It's bitter-sweet that even if the answer is "no", that doesn't cancel out all of the "Yeses".