Today was one of those days when I felt really restless. I got so caught up that it almost felt like I couldn't breath. This feeling stemmed from my hunger for change. You know, like you're so hungry for change, but because it's not here yet, you feel like you're being suffocated in the present circumstances. In so many ways, I realize how I'm changing as an individual. I remember when I used to pray to God all the time to enlarge my territory and literally as I prayed that prayer it was happening all around me, but in the particular realm that was best for the time. Over time, my territory has been automatically enlarged, but now I feel like I've hit a "dormant" season, so to speak. I feel like the enlargement has been held up momentarily and in this slowed phased, I've actually outgrown my own territory. To add to this hunger for change is this great sense of urgency like it has to happen soon or else. I guess that explains the suffocation that I feel, which is another a part of the anxiety within it all. The change for me is all about being elevated. I'm not talking about being elevated to the next level or even the next realm. I'm talking being elevated to the next dimension. The things that once worked, no longer do. The things that once were "okay" to me are no longer acceptable. Everyday I steadily grow increasingly despising of all of the elements that perpetuate this whole "business as usual" way of being and living, even the elements within me.
So all of this was riled up in me today and then I was watching The View from this morning that I DVR'D. There was a segment with Diane Sawyer about a special that is scheduled to air on Friday about families living in a particular region on Kentucky. These are poor families. These families, from what I gather, are living in a poverty stricken area that has basically sealed them in isolation, not by roads but by mentality and spirit. Although I have yet to see the special in its entirety, I was immediately reminded of my hometown back in SC. As a matter of fact, I was just told today that my hometown has the highest unemployment rate in the state of South Carolina and as far as I could remember, it has always been this way and I grew up in that. Wow. Then I saw from the clip shown how this one little girl lived in a dwelling with 12 others and how to quench the baby's thirst, Pepsi was poured into his sippy cup. The first song that came to mind for me was "Still Good Anyhow". I immediately went to iTunes to download this song and I've had it on repeat and it's still on repeat right now as I make this entry.
There's not a whole lot that I can even say after seeing that clip and hearing this song, but....You're still good anyhow. Although this feeling of overwhelming gratitude doesn't erase my hunger, it does have a soothing effect. I'm reminded that even in my situation as it stands, with all of these things that I feel are weighing me down, he's still good anyhow. It's not easy to be in the position of great need and waiting, whether it be a tangible or intangible request and be able to say to God, "You're still good anyhow...even If I don't get an answer or the blessing....you're still good and I thank you."
So with all of this said, the way I feel hasn't gone away, but a very bitter-sweet element has been thrown into the mix. It's bitter-sweet that even if the answer is "no", that doesn't cancel out all of the "Yeses".