Do You Know?

So it seems that these days, I'm only inspired to blog when I'm really happy or when I'm on the low side. There's rarely a motivation to do so when I'm in that space in between. Just an observation...

I had an epiphanic moment tonight that was such a goose bump type of self awareness. Another "Aha!" moment. I was talking to a friend about how amazing intuition is. That gut feeling that speaks to us, offering the answer, before you even raise the question. What makes it such a big deal is that for the first time in my life, I was able to recognize what it was. It came in a form that reminded me of a situation that left a bad taste in mouth, which has lingered for over two years. Another thing about how my intuition spoke to me tonight is that it used almost the same exact message it was using two years ago, but I ignored it. I thought that "gut" feeling was just the nervousness, negativity or fear in me trying to sabotage a situation. Tonight....I got it. I've gotta be honest though because it hurts. It feels like an old wound has been opened because I'm saying to myself now that there's something not working. There's something in there that just doesn't last long and I'm caught up in the middle of it. Of course, it always goes that the ones you don't want are the ones trying to fight to hang in there and the ones you want are fighting to get out of there. But...in the very rare occasion that I meet someone in a setting where our connection is on a mutual level, what is it in there that holds up the process? Then it has taken me to a place tonight to really examine who I am and the type of person that I am and I ask the question of "What if?". Yes....what if my life's story doesn't include a romantic relationship? I often say that it's going to take a very strong individual to be with a man like me, but just what if? What if my life's work has a broader and more selfless purpose? I mean, the questions are valid. The same way that some aren't able to have their own children, which opens the door for the children of others to be loved.

This is a mighty big pill to swallow coming off of Valentine's day weekend. It's amazing that we hear so many people with their own take on how you should look at it, how you should think about it or how it's going to be, but I believe that only I can call it as it is relative to me. However, in the midst of this ongoing mental/emotional storm, I am thankful for being able to recognize that inner voice of intuition. Yes...just being able to recognize it is a gift in itself. However, the unsettled dust of loose emotions and wild hurts still run unbridled through the corridors of my mind on to the abyss of my heart's strings. That place...deep inside. This rocks my core.

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