So, after you've reached a point of exhale and release, you go on with the feeling that you've "surrendered" and the truth is that you've only hit the snooze button. This time when "it all" comes back, it comes with reinforcement, holding banners that silently scream, "You WILL deal with this!". Damn! I thought I dodged a bullet that time.
So that then brings me back here with the same music, but different lyrics.
So Thanksgiving is in 3 days and I had so "planned" to make a nice sweet post for Thanksgiving and wishing well. Bad news. I caught myself about to commit a fraud. That's not how I feel. That's not my truth. Yes, I carry, daily, a high level of gratefulness for all that is, but that's not where the spotlight is within my life. I love the fall/winter and even the "thought" of the holidays, but this also proves to be a very challenging time for me. I don't need to go into why. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
Have you ever been in the midst of things or a time that was "alright" and was not alright? Ever been lonely in the midst of a crowded room full of family and friends? Have you ever laughed, but knew that you were crying on the inside? I'm speaking of that state where you truly don't know what to do with yourself. You look around and everyone else is jolly, laughing, happy......or not....could be the same as you, but as far as you know, they have that thing that you can't seem to hold on to. You then ask the questions, "What's wrong with me? What's really happening? What is this about? Is this about me? Or is this really about him?"
So I'll go home this week, looking, acting and speaking as polished as I always do. I'll speak positively and encouragingly to all that I talk to and they'll say, "You look so good. How have you been?" and I'll say "Thank you. So do you. I've been great!" I'll go through this same exchange with close family members. How fake is that? But...I'll do it.
Hmph. If only they knew. So I'll play this song for the rest of the week while in Atlanta, on my drive across state lines to South Carolina up until I arrive at my destination. Once I arrive and get out of the car though, it's showtime! Eh Mary....sometimes.....sometimes invisibility would be great.