Sometimes...

This song brings forth the truth in me.

So, after you've reached a point of exhale and release, you go on with the feeling that you've "surrendered" and the truth is that you've only hit the snooze button. This time when "it all" comes back, it comes with reinforcement, holding banners that silently scream, "You WILL deal with this!". Damn! I thought I dodged a bullet that time.

So that then brings me back here with the same music, but different lyrics.

So Thanksgiving is in 3 days and I had so "planned" to make a nice sweet post for Thanksgiving and wishing well. Bad news. I caught myself about to commit a fraud. That's not how I feel. That's not my truth. Yes, I carry, daily, a high level of gratefulness for all that is, but that's not where the spotlight is within my life. I love the fall/winter and even the "thought" of the holidays, but this also proves to be a very challenging time for me. I don't need to go into why. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Have you ever been in the midst of things or a time that was "alright" and was not alright? Ever been lonely in the midst of a crowded room full of family and friends? Have you ever laughed, but knew that you were crying on the inside? I'm speaking of that state where you truly don't know what to do with yourself. You look around and everyone else is jolly, laughing, happy......or not....could be the same as you, but as far as you know, they have that thing that you can't seem to hold on to. You then ask the questions, "What's wrong with me? What's really happening? What is this about? Is this about me? Or is this really about him?"

So I'll go home this week, looking, acting and speaking as polished as I always do. I'll speak positively and encouragingly to all that I talk to and they'll say, "You look so good. How have you been?" and I'll say "Thank you. So do you. I've been great!" I'll go through this same exchange with close family members. How fake is that? But...I'll do it.

Hmph. If only they knew. So I'll play this song for the rest of the week while in Atlanta, on my drive across state lines to South Carolina up until I arrive at my destination. Once I arrive and get out of the car though, it's showtime! Eh Mary....sometimes.....sometimes invisibility would be great.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

The Breath of Hope..

Wow! I made my return to the blog world a lot sooner than I thought I would.

In my absence, boy has my life changed! No. Nothing drastic has happened, but I've had so many internal changes and I've grown so much. I think that's what I was trying to get out in a few of my previous posts, but couldn't because a lot of things were under-developed, as many things with me are still under-developed...meaning that I can't articulate them just yet. That brings me to this song that's playing.

It's amazing how songs can do things that a regular conversation can't do for and to you. I feel like I have been pulled in a thousand different places with trying to keep up in school, completing this internship, figuring out what I'm going to do about grad/law school, trying to release CoCoTwists from my system and.......being single, living here alone. In conjunction to everything I just mentioned, the holidays are coming and no matter how optimistic I try to be, Thanksgiving is next week and then Christmas and so on. I think it's safe to go ahead and start planning how "I" can make the best of "my" holiday season. So where does this song come in?

I was standing in the mirror in my bathroom tonight and for some reason I started the music that's stored in my cell phone and randomly selected a song from the play list to start the shuffle.

"Everyone falls in love sometimes, sometimes it's wrong and sometimes it's right. For every win, someone must fail, but there comes a point when, when we exhale...."

That opening verse, immediately caught me. For the next 2-3 minutes, I stood over the sink, squinting my eyes a bit..with a soft smile...looking directly into my eyes.

It was as if I could hear the inner most part of my spirit speaking to me and asking the question, "With all of this that is before you, that lays on you...at this point, what can you do?"

Then Whitney...

"All you gotta do is say...shoop shoop shoop shoo be doo shoop shoop"

Seems like the movie, I know, but I simply exhaled and felt a level of contentment. It wasn't a feeling of happiness or sadness to be exact, but almost like a place of surrender. Then the message didn't stop there....

"In your soul there's answers to your prayers, if you're searching for a place you know, a familiar face, somewhere to go...you should look inside yourself..you're half way there.."

By this time, my smile to myself had gone from soft to tender. I wasn't saying to myself, "Now, you're all better.", but it's like I was saying to myself, "Even where you are right now, even with how you feel...it's alright. Feel those feelings, think those thoughts, cry those tears, laugh those laughs, embrace those hugs, pray those prayers and linger and love harder.

I believe that we all will have periods in our lives that aren't necessarily bad, but periods when we're just going through the motions, dying for an anchor of meaning to embrace us and keep us. The only way I know how to get through these periods is by simply riding the waves and although it's not easy, I kinda feel good about it. I just believe that on the other side, in the calmer waters...there's something that I'm sure I'll be all the better for and oh how sweet it's gonna be.

I end this post with this "exhale inducing" piece from the song:

"Sometimes you'll laugh and sometimes you'll cry, life NEVER tells us the whens or whys..."

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

In My Absence

It has been over a month since I've posted on this blog and I'm not really considering this as an official "post". I just wanted to put a message up of some sort while I continue my.....hiatus? I guess it can be called that. For the few of you that may enjoy my blog, I really appreciate it. However, I'm at a point where I don't feel like I have anything substantial to contribute to the blog world. There are areas of my life that are requiring more energy and time so I'm having to shave off where and when I can. Hopefully, when I come back as a more active blogger, I'll be a lot better and full of whatever gifts that there are to give.

See you in a little while.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com