Mile by Mile

Is this thing on?

Wow! It's been a year and 6 months since the last time. I'm so pleased to still have followers of my blog. Glad you all stuck around (whether or not you were really paying attention). For a long time I felt like I lost my voice to share anything here. It's still that way to an extent, but tonight I felt like I wanted to say something. The closest I've gotten to this site is Twitter, where I get to "micro blog" instead of a full fledged outpouring. A lesson I've learned is that there is sometimes strength in silence. You know, in critical times, you have to streamline. However, I can't even begin to catch you up on every single detail that's happened in my life over the past 18 months. In summary.....I've had a lot of ups and faithful downs. A lot of meeting and greeting. Some gains and some bitter losses. I've made some life choices that have completely changed the course of where I thought I was headed. What can I say? I have definitely become more refined through my experiences and stepping further into the sprawl of wisdom. With these changes, some things have remained the same. Maybe not in the same textures, but the same forms. One thing's for sure, I am still my openly sentimental self. I own it more these days unapologetically. It's one of those things falling under the"What I know for sure" files.

Recently, I read a book titled "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz that has contributed to some new found liberations. This life guide is basically about not being bound by the "dreams" of the earth that we've been born into and are taught as the "right way" as it is relative to your respective culture, experiences and environment. The four agreements are: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions and Always do your best. Because of this book, I've really been freed from some of the things that were notorious for frustrating me. It helps me to understand that everybody's actions and words are based upon their own reality and agreements they've made in their own lives. It has nothing to do with me. An example of this could be, just because I believe in fairy tale type love stories and you don't, it's okay. It's an agreement I've made with myself and accepted. I don't have to "agree" to your disbelief of this matter. Your feelings are based on your own reality and what you've agreed to for your life and the list goes on and on. I'm certainly being changed by this new perspective. Well....new to me. It's a very slow process, but it's one of those things that you'll have to revisit often for reinforcement and more clarity.

I guess it's very telling of where and what I've been evolving into. I'm such a stickler for improvement.

On a lighter and completely different note, I picked up Fantasia's new album that I was really anticipating and not at all disappointed. Well, the whole suicide bit made me a little nervous, but she's "sangin" her way up out of that so it seems. I'm really excited about the flood of R&B music we've gotten (Monica) and have yet to receive (Faith Evans, Kelly Price). It's all well needed music for me.

Anyway, I'm bittersweetly excited about fall slowly inching in. Maybe it'll bring me some good things and some new wonders that I've never had before and the inspiration to blog about it. I don't know, but this is a start for 2010.

In the meantime, check out this video of Fantasia ending "Even Angels" and beginning and preaching "Bittersweet". Until the next time.....

Authenticity

As this beautiful Sunday unfolds, I'm finding that a good bit of revelation has been weaved into the fibers of each minute towards today's benediction. There is one thing that I have said so often in my life, that "energy doesn't lie". Those words consistently prove themselves to me over and over again. I bring this up because lately it seems that events and people around me have been saying out loud, the things that I've been feeling in one shape or another. These confirmations have finally revealed to me that it's not just me, but these energies are indeed being projected with accuracy of the intentions in which they were born. This becomes so impactful to me today because for so long in my life, there has been so much that I have left unsaid. There have been many occasions and still are from time to time, when I have denied my true feelings for the sake of harmony and peace. Truthfully, I thrive in the space of harmony and peace.

However, I was reading over something online today and the word "authentic" was in the text. It jumped out at me before the sentence it was a part of did. I didn't really ponder further on it at the moment, but it still remained close in mind. Then I returned a friend's phone call and through that conversation, it came back to me again and I had a bit of an "Aha!" moment. Through yet another confirmation, the power of the word "authentic" was revealed. I then thought to myself, "Why does it take a confirmation from someone else to validate something you already know?" This was a powerful question because I began to wonder, if I'm not being faithful and true to myself then who the heck am I giving it to and how do they get first dibs on my sentiment before I do? Authenticity, denied.

Just as a random side note in this, I think that people confuse loyalty and authenticity. I don't ever see how denying the best of yourself for the sake of someone or something else is considered loyal, but I digress...or do I?

I believe that a lot of the imbalance I've experienced lately has been a symptom of an inauthentic me. Every time I say something or do something outside of my truth, I can hear my inner voice saying, "Why are you doing this again? Aren't you tired?"

Today I finally answered and said..."Yes"

As each day is given to me in grace, I want to make sure that I exist in truth within every single moment. That truth for me is living in harmony, peace, prosperity and unbounded love. These are the elements that abide at my core. As "la la land" as it sounds, it's true. I'm not what or who many people think I am. Many may have an idea, but only a few know. Either way it goes, I cannot say enough how important it is that all of us find the space of truth in our lives. That place where you're allowed to feel just as you feel without limits or guilt. There is power in the truth and with the power of truth comes freedom.

Feeling worn out, tired, hurt, ashamed, guilty, confused, defeated, unappreciated, sad, angry? Got truth? Hmph!

Real Talk

I had to share this video of Jazmine Sullivan singing her song "In Love With Another Man". Everything about this video screams the truth from what the song is saying on to her performance. She did this very well!

Do You Know?

So it seems that these days, I'm only inspired to blog when I'm really happy or when I'm on the low side. There's rarely a motivation to do so when I'm in that space in between. Just an observation...

I had an epiphanic moment tonight that was such a goose bump type of self awareness. Another "Aha!" moment. I was talking to a friend about how amazing intuition is. That gut feeling that speaks to us, offering the answer, before you even raise the question. What makes it such a big deal is that for the first time in my life, I was able to recognize what it was. It came in a form that reminded me of a situation that left a bad taste in mouth, which has lingered for over two years. Another thing about how my intuition spoke to me tonight is that it used almost the same exact message it was using two years ago, but I ignored it. I thought that "gut" feeling was just the nervousness, negativity or fear in me trying to sabotage a situation. Tonight....I got it. I've gotta be honest though because it hurts. It feels like an old wound has been opened because I'm saying to myself now that there's something not working. There's something in there that just doesn't last long and I'm caught up in the middle of it. Of course, it always goes that the ones you don't want are the ones trying to fight to hang in there and the ones you want are fighting to get out of there. But...in the very rare occasion that I meet someone in a setting where our connection is on a mutual level, what is it in there that holds up the process? Then it has taken me to a place tonight to really examine who I am and the type of person that I am and I ask the question of "What if?". Yes....what if my life's story doesn't include a romantic relationship? I often say that it's going to take a very strong individual to be with a man like me, but just what if? What if my life's work has a broader and more selfless purpose? I mean, the questions are valid. The same way that some aren't able to have their own children, which opens the door for the children of others to be loved.

This is a mighty big pill to swallow coming off of Valentine's day weekend. It's amazing that we hear so many people with their own take on how you should look at it, how you should think about it or how it's going to be, but I believe that only I can call it as it is relative to me. However, in the midst of this ongoing mental/emotional storm, I am thankful for being able to recognize that inner voice of intuition. Yes...just being able to recognize it is a gift in itself. However, the unsettled dust of loose emotions and wild hurts still run unbridled through the corridors of my mind on to the abyss of my heart's strings. That place...deep inside. This rocks my core.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Anyhow....

Today was one of those days when I felt really restless. I got so caught up that it almost felt like I couldn't breath. This feeling stemmed from my hunger for change. You know, like you're so hungry for change, but because it's not here yet, you feel like you're being suffocated in the present circumstances. In so many ways, I realize how I'm changing as an individual. I remember when I used to pray to God all the time to enlarge my territory and literally as I prayed that prayer it was happening all around me, but in the particular realm that was best for the time. Over time, my territory has been automatically enlarged, but now I feel like I've hit a "dormant" season, so to speak. I feel like the enlargement has been held up momentarily and in this slowed phased, I've actually outgrown my own territory. To add to this hunger for change is this great sense of urgency like it has to happen soon or else. I guess that explains the suffocation that I feel, which is another a part of the anxiety within it all. The change for me is all about being elevated. I'm not talking about being elevated to the next level or even the next realm. I'm talking being elevated to the next dimension. The things that once worked, no longer do. The things that once were "okay" to me are no longer acceptable. Everyday I steadily grow increasingly despising of all of the elements that perpetuate this whole "business as usual" way of being and living, even the elements within me.

So all of this was riled up in me today and then I was watching The View from this morning that I DVR'D. There was a segment with Diane Sawyer about a special that is scheduled to air on Friday about families living in a particular region on Kentucky. These are poor families. These families, from what I gather, are living in a poverty stricken area that has basically sealed them in isolation, not by roads but by mentality and spirit. Although I have yet to see the special in its entirety, I was immediately reminded of my hometown back in SC. As a matter of fact, I was just told today that my hometown has the highest unemployment rate in the state of South Carolina and as far as I could remember, it has always been this way and I grew up in that. Wow. Then I saw from the clip shown how this one little girl lived in a dwelling with 12 others and how to quench the baby's thirst, Pepsi was poured into his sippy cup. The first song that came to mind for me was "Still Good Anyhow". I immediately went to iTunes to download this song and I've had it on repeat and it's still on repeat right now as I make this entry.

There's not a whole lot that I can even say after seeing that clip and hearing this song, but....You're still good anyhow. Although this feeling of overwhelming gratitude doesn't erase my hunger, it does have a soothing effect. I'm reminded that even in my situation as it stands, with all of these things that I feel are weighing me down, he's still good anyhow. It's not easy to be in the position of great need and waiting, whether it be a tangible or intangible request and be able to say to God, "You're still good anyhow...even If I don't get an answer or the blessing....you're still good and I thank you."

So with all of this said, the way I feel hasn't gone away, but a very bitter-sweet element has been thrown into the mix. It's bitter-sweet that even if the answer is "no", that doesn't cancel out all of the "Yeses".

Bring It!

My first post of the year 2009. Wow. I hope this post finds everyone who has ever shared in this blog with me alive and well. I've been holding off posting in this new year because I wanted to make sure now more than ever, it is a sincere reflection of me. A lot has happened with me externally and internally since my last post. Many things that I still don't have the full strength to talk about just yet, but I trust that with more growth, I'll be able to share the experiences and the gifts that they hold.

So, over the time of breaking from this blog, I thought everyday of what I wanted my life and everything that relates to it to be about this year. I thought about what I wanted this blog to represent. There's a lot that I've kept out of my blog to ensure that I didn't "reveal" too much of myself. Imagine that....and the blog is called "G R'vealed". This year, I want the revelations to be free flowing, but with the intent to connect, to inspire, to liberate, to comfort, for fun, for understanding and/or to just "be".

You know, growth is a beautiful thing. You receive so much of a greater awareness in growth. No. I haven't "arrived" just yet, but the awareness that I've been given for 2009 is out of this world. It's like someone has allowed me to peep their card. I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel like all of those "lost ones" that I've endured are now being overturned. I guess it can be described as one of the many "Aha!" moments. The understanding, wisdom and guidance that I am divinely meant to have at this very moment, I feel like, I get it now! I finally get it! The "it" is the embrace of truth and all that's in it. Need I even say more?

As basic as this blog is, I hope that everyone who reads it will embrace the truth in and of their lives. I learned in a very tough way that "it is what it is". It's time to start calling a spade a spade. This year I'm taking the liberty to be more true to myself. To ONLY do the things that I truly want to do where it's possible. To speak up for myself more and consistently remain true to my belief system. It feels so good to realize that it's truly okay to be me. I'm courageous in standing firm that no matter who or what comes and goes, I've gotta take care of me.

So speaking to those defeats, hurts, misunderstandings and mishaps, you won some, but you JUST lost one. I want to live....

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Sometimes...

This song brings forth the truth in me.

So, after you've reached a point of exhale and release, you go on with the feeling that you've "surrendered" and the truth is that you've only hit the snooze button. This time when "it all" comes back, it comes with reinforcement, holding banners that silently scream, "You WILL deal with this!". Damn! I thought I dodged a bullet that time.

So that then brings me back here with the same music, but different lyrics.

So Thanksgiving is in 3 days and I had so "planned" to make a nice sweet post for Thanksgiving and wishing well. Bad news. I caught myself about to commit a fraud. That's not how I feel. That's not my truth. Yes, I carry, daily, a high level of gratefulness for all that is, but that's not where the spotlight is within my life. I love the fall/winter and even the "thought" of the holidays, but this also proves to be a very challenging time for me. I don't need to go into why. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Have you ever been in the midst of things or a time that was "alright" and was not alright? Ever been lonely in the midst of a crowded room full of family and friends? Have you ever laughed, but knew that you were crying on the inside? I'm speaking of that state where you truly don't know what to do with yourself. You look around and everyone else is jolly, laughing, happy......or not....could be the same as you, but as far as you know, they have that thing that you can't seem to hold on to. You then ask the questions, "What's wrong with me? What's really happening? What is this about? Is this about me? Or is this really about him?"

So I'll go home this week, looking, acting and speaking as polished as I always do. I'll speak positively and encouragingly to all that I talk to and they'll say, "You look so good. How have you been?" and I'll say "Thank you. So do you. I've been great!" I'll go through this same exchange with close family members. How fake is that? But...I'll do it.

Hmph. If only they knew. So I'll play this song for the rest of the week while in Atlanta, on my drive across state lines to South Carolina up until I arrive at my destination. Once I arrive and get out of the car though, it's showtime! Eh Mary....sometimes.....sometimes invisibility would be great.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com