Sometimes...

This song brings forth the truth in me.

So, after you've reached a point of exhale and release, you go on with the feeling that you've "surrendered" and the truth is that you've only hit the snooze button. This time when "it all" comes back, it comes with reinforcement, holding banners that silently scream, "You WILL deal with this!". Damn! I thought I dodged a bullet that time.

So that then brings me back here with the same music, but different lyrics.

So Thanksgiving is in 3 days and I had so "planned" to make a nice sweet post for Thanksgiving and wishing well. Bad news. I caught myself about to commit a fraud. That's not how I feel. That's not my truth. Yes, I carry, daily, a high level of gratefulness for all that is, but that's not where the spotlight is within my life. I love the fall/winter and even the "thought" of the holidays, but this also proves to be a very challenging time for me. I don't need to go into why. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Have you ever been in the midst of things or a time that was "alright" and was not alright? Ever been lonely in the midst of a crowded room full of family and friends? Have you ever laughed, but knew that you were crying on the inside? I'm speaking of that state where you truly don't know what to do with yourself. You look around and everyone else is jolly, laughing, happy......or not....could be the same as you, but as far as you know, they have that thing that you can't seem to hold on to. You then ask the questions, "What's wrong with me? What's really happening? What is this about? Is this about me? Or is this really about him?"

So I'll go home this week, looking, acting and speaking as polished as I always do. I'll speak positively and encouragingly to all that I talk to and they'll say, "You look so good. How have you been?" and I'll say "Thank you. So do you. I've been great!" I'll go through this same exchange with close family members. How fake is that? But...I'll do it.

Hmph. If only they knew. So I'll play this song for the rest of the week while in Atlanta, on my drive across state lines to South Carolina up until I arrive at my destination. Once I arrive and get out of the car though, it's showtime! Eh Mary....sometimes.....sometimes invisibility would be great.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

The Breath of Hope..

Wow! I made my return to the blog world a lot sooner than I thought I would.

In my absence, boy has my life changed! No. Nothing drastic has happened, but I've had so many internal changes and I've grown so much. I think that's what I was trying to get out in a few of my previous posts, but couldn't because a lot of things were under-developed, as many things with me are still under-developed...meaning that I can't articulate them just yet. That brings me to this song that's playing.

It's amazing how songs can do things that a regular conversation can't do for and to you. I feel like I have been pulled in a thousand different places with trying to keep up in school, completing this internship, figuring out what I'm going to do about grad/law school, trying to release CoCoTwists from my system and.......being single, living here alone. In conjunction to everything I just mentioned, the holidays are coming and no matter how optimistic I try to be, Thanksgiving is next week and then Christmas and so on. I think it's safe to go ahead and start planning how "I" can make the best of "my" holiday season. So where does this song come in?

I was standing in the mirror in my bathroom tonight and for some reason I started the music that's stored in my cell phone and randomly selected a song from the play list to start the shuffle.

"Everyone falls in love sometimes, sometimes it's wrong and sometimes it's right. For every win, someone must fail, but there comes a point when, when we exhale...."

That opening verse, immediately caught me. For the next 2-3 minutes, I stood over the sink, squinting my eyes a bit..with a soft smile...looking directly into my eyes.

It was as if I could hear the inner most part of my spirit speaking to me and asking the question, "With all of this that is before you, that lays on you...at this point, what can you do?"

Then Whitney...

"All you gotta do is say...shoop shoop shoop shoo be doo shoop shoop"

Seems like the movie, I know, but I simply exhaled and felt a level of contentment. It wasn't a feeling of happiness or sadness to be exact, but almost like a place of surrender. Then the message didn't stop there....

"In your soul there's answers to your prayers, if you're searching for a place you know, a familiar face, somewhere to go...you should look inside yourself..you're half way there.."

By this time, my smile to myself had gone from soft to tender. I wasn't saying to myself, "Now, you're all better.", but it's like I was saying to myself, "Even where you are right now, even with how you feel...it's alright. Feel those feelings, think those thoughts, cry those tears, laugh those laughs, embrace those hugs, pray those prayers and linger and love harder.

I believe that we all will have periods in our lives that aren't necessarily bad, but periods when we're just going through the motions, dying for an anchor of meaning to embrace us and keep us. The only way I know how to get through these periods is by simply riding the waves and although it's not easy, I kinda feel good about it. I just believe that on the other side, in the calmer waters...there's something that I'm sure I'll be all the better for and oh how sweet it's gonna be.

I end this post with this "exhale inducing" piece from the song:

"Sometimes you'll laugh and sometimes you'll cry, life NEVER tells us the whens or whys..."

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

In My Absence

It has been over a month since I've posted on this blog and I'm not really considering this as an official "post". I just wanted to put a message up of some sort while I continue my.....hiatus? I guess it can be called that. For the few of you that may enjoy my blog, I really appreciate it. However, I'm at a point where I don't feel like I have anything substantial to contribute to the blog world. There are areas of my life that are requiring more energy and time so I'm having to shave off where and when I can. Hopefully, when I come back as a more active blogger, I'll be a lot better and full of whatever gifts that there are to give.

See you in a little while.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

In The Meantime...

I really wanted to make a post but I can't articulate what I want to say. Music is the only place where conversation is free flowing for me so I'll just let this song serve the purpose.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Tender Saturday

What a wonderful Saturday. It is one of those days in Atlanta that reminds me that there is no other place on earth I'd rather be. Today I am reminded of how much prayer can change things. It would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the fact that last weekend this time, I was not feeling the way I feel right now. I continued to pray and I must say that the father answered. Not necessarily by changing the situations but by lifting me on the inside. I've been raised above it all. I've got to continue praying, of course, to keep myself lifted.

Something else that has also caused a lift is the fact that the person that I've blogged about many times before has recently been sorta present in my life. You know the one I'm talking about....my "Mr. Big". We'll call him CocoTwists. Well I can't really elaborate on much right now but last night I had the opportunity to bring his birthday in with him. It was such a wonderful evening. I am still misty from the experience. So that explains the music and about 49% of my lifted mood. I'm trying not to let my already rising emotions get too high. I mean, he's not new to me but somehow, something seems different this time. We'll see. I am so full, almost to the point to where I can't catch my breath. Oh well, I'll be raptured off for the rest of the day.

Hope you're having a good one.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Sunday Inspiration

I didn't attend church services today but I've still gotten my dose of inspiration. The video below is the source of that inspiration. The song "Peace Be Still". Just the title alone is profound enough. I want to thank all of you for visiting my blog and giving me feedback even in some of my darkest posts. I know that I haven't posted much on anyone else's blog lately and I do beg your forgiveness for it. However, I have been using this blog as more of a personal journal for my reflections. This is my birthday month and every year around this time I go through the growing pains of a changing season. That's what my birthdays represent to me, a change of seasons. My recent posts have spoken to that fact.

Once again, thank you for even taking the time to check me out and in this seasonal change, I hope that I can maybe reach someone else who may be in that place in their life. If you don't know what I'm talking about or what this is all about, keep on living.

I hope you would take the time to check out the video with Vanessa ministering in this song "Peace Be Still".

Song highlights for me:

"Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, or demons, or men or whatever it be...no water can swallow the ship where lies the master of ocean, and earth and skies. They ALL shall so sweetly obey thy will."

My inspiration comes from knowing that when I, you, we go down in honest prayer, we can get up with a reassurance that he's going to be who he is. I'm talking about just knowing that no matter how we feel, everything has to obey HIS will. No matter how big or how small. Let's not fool ourselves, when the storms rage, it takes more than cute words to really pull you through but I'm talking about when you get in a situation where there isn't anyone else to depend on but him and what he said. That's when the rubber meets the road. I don't care what I've done or what I've said, I know who keeps my foundation in tact.

So, I hope you all have a blessed week and no matter what may come up or has come up this week, let's believe together that he can "turn it around."

Vanessa Bell-Armstrong- Peace Be Still

Seeking

Today's post is mostly like a personal journal entry for me. It's one of those days for me. I got in from my second day as an intern about an hour ago and boy am I tired. No this internship is not in the legal field but it is valuable experience to be added to my resume. Oh and it's unpaid. This is my first time ever working without being paid and I must say that it is so weird. So what's the point of this post? Basically people, today is one of my weary days.

I look around at my life and yes I'm almost finished with this degree and yes my grades are good and yes I was blessed to get an internship of some sort but..I'm tired. I'm beginning to get back to my more spiritual/divine approach to things now where I find myself talking to God more than ever these days. So therefore in my current situation I've been talking to God and trying to look beyond what it looks like because I know that he has the power to stand in the gaps and turn things around. So this isn't meant to be a long post but it's something that I wanted to put in the atmosphere.I am in a tight place in my life. It's that place that's in between where I used to be and where I'm going. What makes it so critical is that I've fallen tired in the midst of my tight place. So as a more personal blog today, I send this posting and the song up as another form of expression to my creator..knowing where MY help is coming from. Goodness knows I'm needing him right now.